The Culprit and the Cure

Posted on by goldenlifemusings

I’ve been dating for more than half my life and I must say, it’s still an exhausting enigma to me. It’s constantly changing, some would argue for the worse, yet somehow it’s managed to stay the same. One area that’s remained the same is the blame game.

Hurt people hurt people right? We’ve all heard that before, and I would venture to say that it’s true. Broken women hurt men and broken men hurt women. But, which came first? The broken men or the broken women?

There could be whole dissertations arguing each of those cases. But, can we consider that there is no one gender responsible for the issues of today’s dating culture? Could it be that we are asking the wrong questions? We seem to be so focused on who’s wrong that we are missing how we can make it right. I wonder what the dating culture would be like if we removed blame and took personal responsibility for each of our own actions.

What is love? An age-old question whose answer is not as elusive as we make it out to be. According to the first book of Corinthians, yes it says that love is patient and kind. But if you read a little further down in that scripture it also says that it does not keep a record of wrongs. But when we blame each other for what’s wrong we’re doing just that. And that’s not love, nor is it new.

This has been happening since the Garden of Eden when Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent for the mess in which they found themselves. Neither of them took personal responsibility for their contribution to the matter at hand. Sounds familiar right?

Quite frequently I have conversations with single people of both genders, in all age groups, from never been married to divorced. One constant that I’ve heard is that dating is hard, and the why is mostly because of the opposite sex. Women don’t know what they want. Men don’t want to commit. Women are too independent. Men are not stepping up. Neither of them can be trusted.

By the way, none of these blanket statements are the truth. There are a lot of dope single men and women who could actually be really good together. But we’re having a hard time finding each other because many of us have convinced ourselves that the opposite sex is the problem.

I get it. These general conclusions are all coming from a place of experience, and thus a place of some type of hurt. We can’t stop people from getting hurt; that’s just what happens in an imperfect world. But what if we chose to stop perpetuating the vicious cycle of the blame game? What if every time we had a failed relationship or dating experience (outside of any type of abuse), we evaluated it independently of past failed experiences and from the lens of personal responsibility? What if we stopped adding up evidence to prove ourselves right and truly started operating from a clean slate every time we dated?

I admit I’m far from having all the right questions or answers when it comes to dating and relationships. As I stated earlier, much of it is still an enigma. I also don’t want to seem as if I’m trying to oversimplify a much more complex issue. But one thing I do know for sure is that as a culture, as a society, as a generation, we’re our own problem and solution when it comes to matters of love and relationships. 

Truth Matters

Posted on by goldenlifemusings

I didn’t really want to write on this topic, yet here I am. The fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about it is an indication that I needed to speak on it.

A few months ago someone made a statement that generated a lot of opinions all over social media, and even traditional media. Who spoke these words is inconsequential; what’s most important is how many others believe these words as truth.

“If you have made it to 35 and you are unmarried, you are a leftover woman. You are what is left. Men know that there is likely something wrong with you.”

I was listening to a radio show one day and I heard the audio clip of this statement followed by the opinions of both men and women chiming in on its validity. Let me be clear, I was not shocked when I heard the words from the audio clip. I was used to these types of statements from this individual, which is why I chose not to follow him. However, I was most taken aback by the women’s voices I heard sounding off in agreement with him.

I heard many opinions, all of which I took with a grain of salt, yet I attempted to hear each one with an open mind. But then I heard the voice of a mother of a 35-year-old daughter who agreed that her daughter was one of those leftover women. In fact, she had shared with her daughter that she was essentially a lost cause to be a wife because she hadn’t married yet. Her words stopped me in my tracks.

As a woman who is over the age of 35 and unmarried, of course, I have my own opinion on this statement. And while my blog would be a great place to share this opinion, I’m choosing to offer something a little different. Because I am not just an unmarried woman over the age of 35, I’d like to offer some truth as a child of God. I speak as someone who believes in and follows the only perfect man who walked this Earth, and I believe this perspective is missing from the conversation. 

Romans 3:23 says that we have all sinned and we all fall short of the glory of God. Let’s be clear, there is something “wrong” with all of us, even those who have been chosen by a spouse. That’s why we all need Jesus, married or not. 

Imperfect as we are, we are also fearfully and wonderfully made masterpieces of the Lord, our Creator. Each of us has a unique journey and plan that God knows and orchestrates from the beginning to the end. And whether that journey includes a spouse or several spouses or no spouse over the course of one’s life, it has no bearing on someone’s value.

Lastly, we have free will and we can make our own plans, but God has the final say. He determines our steps. Not everyone has the same journey, timetable, or plans for their life. And only God knows the when, the why, and the how. That means that it is not up to us to judge or condemn people based on where they are at any single moment in life.

While I know who and whose I am, it doesn’t make controversial statements Iike the one shared above any easier for me to digest. I can only imagine what it must have felt like for someone to hear this statement and trust it as a truth about themselves. 

The truth is our words have power. They can bring life or death, build up or tear down, create or destroy. That’s why we must be careful what we choose to speak over the lives of others and also what we choose to believe as the truth about our own. It matters.

Single and Saved

Posted on by goldenlifemusings

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This past week I completed a five-day prayer challenge called “Pray for Your Future Spouse Challenge.” In the challenge-crazed day in which we live, it was refreshing to participate in an activity like this that actually had meaning and purpose to it. As a result, it was hands down the most spirit-rousing, meaningful challenge I’ve ever completed.

Literally, more than 200,000 people from around the world participated in this challenge, which was hosted by a dynamic couple named Jamal and Natasha Miller. Their ministry, which began nearly seven years ago when they became husband and wife, is teaching others how to do relationships God’s way in an effort to help reduce the divorce rate. What a noble mission!

Here’s why it was so powerful for me. I had ALMOST given up hope that there was a man of God out there for me. I told myself that dating in general in this day in age is hard enough as it is, but then here I am waiting for a Godly man. An emotionally, physically and spiritually mature man. Yeah that’s pretty much like waiting for a unicorn to show up at my front door.

But then this challenge happened…

I joined a Facebook community of people (which is as of this writing at more than 241,000 members) ranging in age from 18 to 68 who are all desiring, waiting on and praying for the same thing – a Godly spouse. And yes, there are thousands of single and saved men in this group. All desiring transformation in themselves and their relationships, and in serious pursuit of a Godly woman. Total perspective shifter and game changer.

The reality is, in my opinion, it’s still difficult to be single and saved – but not in the way I once thought. As a single and saved person, there’s a different criterion by which you measure your mate than the rest of the world. You are going against the grain in a very major way, so by default, that’s going to be challenging. But what I got in this community was that I am by no means alone in this struggle. The men are finding it challenging as well. I honestly thought it was mostly women who struggled with this. I was wrong.

I was talking to a male friend of mine after church this past Sunday and he said almost verbatim what I had uttered maybe a few weeks prior about the lack of available, Godly men our age, except he was talking about women. I literally said, “Are you serious? There are tons of available, Godly women out here.” But that was just it. We each had our own limited perspective blocking us from the truth. The problem isn’t with the number, because we really only need one to be the one. The challenge has been with our environment.

Once I put myself in an environment where I saw evidence of that which I thought didn’t exist (or at least was very limited), my perspective and ultimately, mindset shifted. And believe me, there were a whole host of other takeaways that I got out of the challenge as well. I won’t give away the content, because it’s just that good, but I will share one of my biggest revelations.

I had gotten caught up in our #goals-crazed society, specifically #marriagegoals. As an entrepreneur, I’ve got goals for days, but when it comes to me connecting with my husband, that doesn’t really work. There’s a lot of pressure that comes with goals. I’ve been so frustrated in the past because I’ve been trying to operate from my self-constructed timeline of being married and having a family by the age of 40. Let’s be honest here, it wasn’t just my timeline – society says I should have a family by this age as well. But God doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t operate based on my goals or society’s timeline. He has a plan and vision for my life, as He does for every person on this Earth. My job is to be intentional about pursuing my purpose, waiting for Him to reveal to me His vision for my life and letting Him unfold the plan in His time.

What I’ve come to know is that being Single and Saved is a sacred group. Even though I still have a desire to be a wife, I’ve become more at ease in my singleness because I believe that this season has purpose, just as my season as a wife will as well. If you’re single and saved I want you to be encouraged and know that this time of singleness has purpose for you as well. Embrace it and enjoy the journey of becoming a better you while you wait.

If you’re interested in learning more about the challenge and/or the couple who hosted the challenge, visit www.prayforyourfuturespouse.com.

 

 

Sleeping Adam

Posted on by goldenlifemusings

Praise report! I just completed the first draft of a passion book project that has been on my heart and in the works for several years. It’s been a process y’all. But I’m really excited about it for a couple of reasons. One, it will be one of the most challenging exercises I’ve ever completed. What I’m most excited about though is how much I know it’s going to bless those who read it.

Those who know me know I love to write, and particularly journal. This book, “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes,” examines several of my journal entries over the course of what was one of the most challenging, yet transformational seasons of my life. Several times throughout the book I mention this concept of “Sleeping Adam.” As I thought about what I would write to you about next, I considered doing a Part 2 to Singleness is not a disease. Trust me, I could talk about that topic ALL DAY LONG, and I’ve gotten so much food for thought over the past several months. But then it came to me. In honor of the forthcoming book, I wanted to give you something special for following Golden Life Musings – an excerpt from the book! Considering the subject matter, we’ll just go ahead and call it Singleness is Not a Disease Part 2. (smile)

This chapter will give you some advance insight so when you read the book, you’ll know who I’m referring to when I shout out Sleeping Adam. Don’t you just love getting the inside hook up? Lol. Enjoy and stay tuned to the book release later this year!

MY SLEEPING ADAM

This notion of my “Sleeping Adam” has been on my heart since I first heard the words spoken at a women’s conference I was working in Atlanta in July 2015. It was that same year I was healing from one of the most painful breakups of my life. I had convinced myself I was going to marry a man that God did not call to be my husband. I wanted it to be true because I loved him and I had invested so much time, energy, love and myself into the relationship. But I was disobedient from the beginning. I ignored the red flags. I ignored the initial conversation about him not being ready to be in a relationship because of where he was in his life. I ignored him and I ignored God’s whispers.

So, when I heard Dr. Wanda Davis Turner explain this concept of a Sleeping Adam, a light bulb went off for me. Adam was asleep when God performed the surgery on him to bring Eve to life. God had already done most of the work on Adam before the surgery, but the final part of the process was his induced coma for God to prepare Eve for him.

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And there was the epiphany: Some of us as women are trying to wake men up who are still “sleeping.” That time of sleep is a preparation time for him while God is putting the finishing touches on who he is as a man, and ultimately as a husband (if that is his calling). We fail to realize that God put him to sleep for a reason. If we wake him up before he’s ready, we stand the chance of getting a mate who is half asleep or not complete on his own, meaning he needs someone else to make him complete. I think most, if not all, women have experienced or at least seen the consequences of that.

That “Sleeping Adam” term spoke to my heart so profoundly, I started using it in my journal entries. What she said made so much sense and it explained many of the struggles I had in my dating experiences. The men I wanted, or thought I wanted, were still sleeping and I was trying to wake them up. I was trying so hard to get them to see the value in me, not realizing that was never really the issue.

Most of my adult life I’ve been with both half asleep and half complete men. The reason I felt like I had to lead them was because they weren’t ready to lead, and there was nothing I could do to make them be ready. I heard many times, “when a man is ready, he is ready”. And you can’t make him ready before that time. For those women who do manage to wake their Sleeping Adams up before their process is complete, and cajole them into a marriage via an ultimatum, they ultimately end up regretting it in the long run.

I needed to go through those experiences to learn the lesson: If Adam is not coming for Eve, it doesn’t mean Eve is not amazing or that Adam doesn’t see her value. It might mean he’s still asleep. If that is the case, you have a decision to make. Wait for him to wake up (if you believe he’s worth waiting for), or keep it moving, but please don’t wake him up before he’s finished sleeping!

I’m not one of those people who believes in soulmates in the sense that there is just one person on this Earth for everyone. But I do believe God has placed His best for us strategically in our lives for us to choose. There are many scenarios that will work based on the myriad decisions we make. That’s why there’s no mistake we can make that God hasn’t already factored into His plan. The book has already been written. The course has already been set. I’ve learned His best plans come when we act according to His will and His timing. And we could always save ourselves a lot of pain, suffering and time by just being obedient and patient.

 

 

 

Singleness is Not a Disease

Posted on by goldenlifemusings

I’ve wrestled with writing on this subject for some time now. As I sit here on the eve of my 38th birthday, and Valentine’s Day for that matter, I thought it was finally time. It is not lost on me that I am in the (small or large, depending on how you look at the stats) demographic of women who have not been married by the age of 35. And this is not lost on me not because I am alarmed by this fact, rather because I’m constantly reminded of it and in some cases, meant to feel ashamed by it.

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As I get older it seems social media, traditional media, advertising (online and offline), people’s questions around my love life are all competing for more attention on the subject of my singleness and how I should feel about it. So I figured I should write about it.

Before I go any further, let me say that I do have a desire to be married and have a family complete with children someday. And yes, that someday has a date that is further out than I expected. But I reject the idea that because that someday hasn’t yet happened for me, or the countless others who are single at or around my age, it means that something went wrong or even worse, something is wrong with me.

We should not have to remind each other that each of us has our own journey in life and not everyone is on the same timetable or has the same order of life’s milestones to which we should each adhere. Yet, I hear more often than I care to admit that dreaded question (or some derivative)… “Why are you still single?”

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This question is so unfortunate, misguided and downright ignorant for so many reasons. But for the sake of time and space, I’ll only go into a couple.

I believe this question is unfortunate because I’ve seen the repercussions firsthand of couples rushing to the altar just so they don’t have to hear that question or to escape the title of “single” as they age. That may be an oversimplified reason, but the reality is a lot of people rush into marriage secretly because they feel like they are on a time clock they have to beat or else they won’t get their happily ever after. Or worse, because of fear of being judged or shamed by their family, friends or peers.

The harmful side effects of rushing are in some instances, people making a huge error in judgment regarding the person they marry, and in many cases, the couple is just simply  not properly prepared for marriage.

If I’ve learned anything from watching my loved ones go through divorce and ugly breakups, it is that marriage takes a lot of work and endurance, even for “happy couples.” It’s a beautiful institution, but it is not for the faint of heart, and if you’re not prepared for it, you run the risk of enduring very painful consequences. It’s not just something you hop into because it’s “that time”, you might as well because you love each other, or you’ve made it this far, might as well go all the way.

I believe it is also a misguided and ignorant question because as a follower of Christ, I believe purpose is a huge component to marriage. I believe that everyone has a purpose, or a God-given assignment they are to fulfill while on Earth. If you marry someone whose purpose is not complimentary to yours, you stand the risk of causing self-imposed strife and opposition within your marriage. Again, marriage is challenging enough as it is, why add the pressure of being unequally yoked?

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Therefore, if a single person is not yet clear on their purpose or assignment in the world, it’s probably best they aren’t married. And some singles may not like this but, their purpose may require them to remain single. A fact: some people are just simply not meant to marry. For others, marriage may work best later in life. In any of these cases, singleness is actually a good thing.

But unfortunately, our society often times looks at singleness as if it is something to escape or aspire to get away from, as if it is some type of disease. But for many it is actually a prescription for living a happier, peaceful and purpose-driven life, even if only for a season.

I follow a pastor and his wife online and they have a ministry called Redefined TV. In one of their webisodes a few months ago they covered the topic of “Why do you want to get married?” I encourage you to watch the entire episode, especially if you are single, but I want to highlight one of their points that was so profound and relevant to the message I’m sharing here. He said, “View your singleness as a passport not a prison. When you view your singleness as a prison, anyone who comes along is seen as a bail bond.” Just Wow.

If you are single, I want to encourage you during this season of singleness, as I’ve encouraged myself, to 1) explore your purpose, if you haven’t already and 2) view it as a passport and an opportunity to get to know and love yourself more deeply. I’ve heard from many married couples and experts that you have a happier and healthier marriage when each of you has a greater sense of self-awareness, self-love and self-respect.

And the next time you get that question about why you’re still single, just smile and say, “Because I’m working on a few more stamps in my passport.”

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